taurus season

It's April 27th now and you all know what that means! Spring and Taurus season are officially in full swing.  If you don't know by now, I am a Taurus, of course, to a tee.  But as this Taurus season has come around, it has brought about a lot of reflection for me.  I'm sitting in the local Morgantown coffee shop that I have lived at for the past three weeks writing this as I am 5 days away from becoming legal and 7 days away from leaving West Virginia, for good.

Today was my last day of classes.  I've been counting down to this day since August, and now here it is.  I walked out of my last class- - my last class ever as a WVU student, there are three finals standing between me and officially leaving. I expected to be jumping for joy excited, but I honestly left feeling pretty somber.  It's weird to watch a season of your life closing in front of your eyes.  I feel like too often things just run by so quick, we don't even notice they're over until they're already gone,  But there is a rare occasion that you are watching yourself write the closing pages to the chapter.  

Though I wouldn't say this season has been the most exciting or thrilling of my life, I feel like it was a critical time in my life.  I was independent for the first time in a long time, I spent so much time by myself, just sitting with my thoughts.  I got to know myself pretty well, she's cool.  I now know what I'm missing in my life, and have ideas on how to be able to achieve them.  I don't want to say that coming here was the wrong decision, it was just a decision that rerouted me, a learning experience that must have happened for a reason.  Everything happens for a reason. 

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Some of the Taurean traits that I often relate with are their loyalty, laziness, stubbornness, and dependability.  One that I have struggled to realize if it fits me, is that Tauruses are often noted as being resistant to or dreading change, they love a routine.  For the past few years of my life, I have lived, breathed, and thrived off of change.  I felt depressed and stuck if I wasn't packing up my life every three months to move into a new dingy dorm room or catching a flight every weekend. I did have a routine, it was traveling. The only constant in my life truly was change.

Now I am here, eight months since I've arrived to WVU with a few weekend trips completed, but nothing like I used to do.  I have finally started to get into a routine here, and now it's time to pack those bags again. I loved change when it came so constantly, but now that I haven't had it in so long, I'm really scared. The thought of moving to a new city where I know a few people, while so exhilarating, is truthfully, nerve-racking.  

It takes everything in me to sit down and get stuff done that I need to submit for transferring, or applying for a job.  I would get frustrated with myself about it for the longest time because I really am so excited; I daydream of walking around the city, going to breweries and concerts, my new house, and making friends.  But none of that happens without an inevitable transition period that has begun to haunt me.  I can't just walk into a new life and expect everything to fall into place, a harsh realization I had to learn here in West Virginia upon my initial return.  

Part of me is embarrassed that I've always wanted more and nothing conventional has worked for me.  I mean it feels like there's few people in the world who by graduation will have classes from four different schools, and started a semester late, and transferred twice, and took a gap year in the middle of it all.  And I'm worried about going to Salt Lake and things not working out for me, feeling the desire to leave, like I have so many times before.  I don't think that will happen, but with a track record and anxiety like mine, the mind just continuously rambles on about all the unknowns.  

I was told the other day that change is a skill,  the art of giving yourself grace, putting yourself out there, and feeling every emotion that comes your way.  I'm hoping it's a skill like riding a bike, even though I've been away from it for a while, I can get right back into it.   My favorite quote is "you can handle anything in the moment, it's what might happen that undoes us".  My fears lie within the what-ifs, not in the concrete, I do love change, it's just the idea of change that is scary, everything else that comes my way once I get there, are just the ebbs and flows of life, struggles that end in rewards for putting myself out there and finding myself.  

I think that no matter how I feel about change, and how difficult it inevitably can be, I am better for it than one who stays stagnant for the entire life.  Though maybe not everyone thinks that picking up your entire life and moving it to a new city where you only know a handful of people is impressive, I do.  So maybe I'm not a taurus in that way, because I would rather embrace in the difficulty, sadness, loneliness, and everything else that comes with such a big decision, than surround myself with only the same people and city for the rest of my life.  I think that scares me more than this move does.  

So that's a wrap on 20.  Cheers to 21 and Tauruses and change and moving and making a life that you love.  <3